All Woman

I've decided to follow up on the I Am Woman blog post. After about 3 weeks of taking the prescribed treatment for my condition (which, by the way, is neither serious nor permanent - rather, it's dependent on conditions like stress, environment, etc), there's actually a difference.

I no longer feel (quite as) aggro when I'm driving (though I still call most people retards on the road). My skin feels and looks better, and though I don't feel the need to dress in pink, I definitely feel more settled. It's amazing the effect that hormones can have on people. 

Actually, it's quite scary. I mean - you go through your whole life thinking, "This is me. This is who I am." Then you find out that you change a little bit after a bit of pills that aren't even prescription and there's a mindfuck right there. That's how much we are dictated by our physiology. Whoa.

I Am Woman

How much are we controlled by our physical bodies? If we have a tumour in the part of the brain that controls impulses, will that affect our decision-making ability?

I, according to a one of those personality tests I did a while back, apparently think more like a man than I do like a woman. I mean, it's not like these online tests are exactly believable, but it's something to think about. I like cars and for some reason I tend to prefer male wallets and laptop bags and stuff.

I ask the question because I've only just found out that I apparently have a condition that makes me have more testosterone than I should. It's not life threatening at all or anything and it doesn't really affect me very much, but I'm going to start taking these things that regulate it.

Will that change me? Will I suddenly feel an urge to wear bright pink? To wear makeup everyday? To want to find someone to marry and pop out a bunch of kids and stay home and cook? It begs the question...

All The Wrong Choices

I've just realised that I have this uncanny ability to make the wrong choices. Sure, most think that I have a great life and not much to complain about, which is essentially true - me complaining would be like ridiculous. I'm way too careful about the big decisions like career and stuff to make a mistake.

It's the other things that you think don't matter that get past you. Sure there's stuff like always choosing the wrong lane in traffic jams. And then there are the things like men and love, which TV and movies made me believe would "just happen" because "if it were meant to be, it's meant to be". That true love would never hurt and love means happily ever after. Bullshit.

In this case, my choices are always like getting caught in traffic. Whenever I switch lanes to one that I think will get me there faster, it stops moving. Whenever I stay my lane, people cut me off. I just want to stop and get off the road until there's no more traffic. And if it feels like home, then that's home.

Written on my Archos 5

That Little Difference

There are still people in this world who wonder if that small change that they make will really make a difference. Will me forgoing this one plastic bag really help change the world? Will me using a sports bottle instead of buying a bottle at the gym really make that much of a difference? I've done some quick Googling and Excel-ling and calculating to come up with how you can quantify the difference you make (I bet you saw that coming).

I know a lot of the facts and figures used are very American-centric, but I can't help it. It's the easiest nation on earth to Google. Let's quantify how much you can save the world by.

1. How much of a difference does 1 bottle of water make?

A lot of people throw a lot of figures around as to how much of a difference a bottle of water makes. In truth, it takes 17 million barrels of crude oil to make the 29 billion bottles of water p.a. that America consumes (Source: National Geographic). Let's see how that works out:




Basically, recycling 1 bottle or using 1 bottle less than you already do will save 0.09 litres of oil. Assuming you have a small tank car, you would need to recycle just over 429 bottles to save enough for a full tank. For me, I'd have to save just under 676 bottles per tank.

That statistic can actually be quite depressing and discouraging. It's a bit like, "What, so I saved all these bottles to recycle and I forwent my mineral water for this?" Never fear. I won't leave you hanging. Let's look at it a different way.



According to RecycleSpot.org, the energy it takes to generate 1 plastic bottle can be used to power a 60W lightbulb for up to 6 hours, which means if the average 3-person household consumes 6,000 kWh per year (like the University of California says), then recycling 46 bottles a day or roughly 15 bottles per person will be enough to make up for your electricity consumption. That's a much more achievable target.

2. How much difference does a plastic bag make?


Plastic bags are tiny things - so useful and indispensable. Now that the whole world is against plastic bags, I always catch myself thinking, "What harm can it do if I use a plastic bag this time?" Apparently, quite a bit.



Apparently it takes more oil to make a plastic bag than it does to make a plastic bottle, which is a bit odd if you ask me. Nevertheless, if the statistic of 37 million barrels of oil to make 3 billion plastic bags is true, then saving 7 plastic bags will get you 1km of oil. It takes saving just 20 plastic bags to make up for a full tank of oil for the average-sized car. It's a bit shocking, isn't it, how much difference a plastic bag makes?

So the next time you forgo a plastic bag or a plastic bottle, you can keep count and figure out how many tanks of oil you've saved.

Things Worth Fighting For

For those who are not in the know, whoren and I went to Koh Lipe, Thailand over Hari Raya Haji weekend and, dear god, was that an escapade.

It went like this. We didn't book ferry tickets for Langkawi - Koh Lipe in advance, so we shouldn't have been surprised when we got there and they were fully booked for the whole weekend. Deciding to wing it, we ran over to Kuah Jetty where we got tickets for Satun. From there, we hopped on a tuk-tuk which took us the 1 hour to reach Pak Barra, and then hopped on another ferry to get to Koh Lipe. It was about a 4 hour journey, I think.

By that time we felt pretty adventurous, winging it and all and figured that the worst was over. We chilled and illed by the beach, I went diving and got sick and got waited on hand and foot by men on the boat (I love being a girl), and had crazy awesome Thai food. We don't know what it is about Thai food but it's like they put something in it that makes it awesome. Also, we got super tanned. Basically it was just what both of us needed, despite the inherent Phuketness of the beach.

And then on Sunday, we left Koh Lipe on the 1.30pm boat back to Pak Barra hoping to catch the 5.00pm ferry from Satun to Langkawi. Unfortunately, we got the times wrong. The last ferry from Satun to Langkawi was 4.00pm, which we missed by 30 minutes.

Panic.

No buses out of Satun until the next morning, nearest airport was Had Yai to which taking a taxi would have been too expensive.

We begged and chartered a longtail (think sampan) to take us the 1 hour over to Kuala Perlis like illegal immigrants. From there, we ran to get tickets to the last ferry out to Langkawi leaving at 8.00pm which would have gotten us to Langkawi by 9.00pm in time to see if we could catch the last 10.40pm flight back to KL, all the while calling Air Asia's hotline (who refused to pick up, by the way). They told us the flight was fully booked.

Panic.
Pray.
Hope.

Ferry delayed by 45 minutes. Docked in Langkawi at 10pm. Reached airport at 10.20pm. Ran to counter. Begged guy to let us on the flight. He gave. Again, awesome being a girl :) Also, we were allowed to board because flight was delayed and the plane wasn't even there yet, and 4 people didn't show up, leaving 4 free seats.

We finally reached KL at 1 a.m. and home at 2 a.m. after 12 hours of travel and taking 3 different modes of transportation. What an escapade. Guess it just goes to show that good things aren't always easy, and things that you really need are worth fighting for. I wish more people realised that.

I hate nights like these

I wonder how my life would have turned out if I weren't so "strong" and so "capable". Maybe I wouldn't be tossed aside because "I'll be okay. I'm so strong. I can take care of myself." Maybe the people who I need to take care of me wouldn't have left me. Maybe I wouldn't be such a bitch or escape so much because every night I have to drown out the hurt. Maybe my life would've been so much easier.

Moving on up

So I'm thinking of moving out. I know, I've already moved out of my parents' place. The difference is that this time, I'm thinking of moving somewhere to live alone. Well, the only real reason I'm going to be living alone is because I feel that I need to move away from my sisters and there are no close friends who are moving out now so no potential housemates. I mean, it's likely that my house will serve to be a weekend house for some, but no one permanent. No, that wasn't a hint at sexual activities.

Let's run through the reasons why I feel I need to move (again). This is just as much to sort through my thoughts as much as anything else, because I always feel a bit more organised and sure of myself when I list out reasons for doing things:

1. I can have my cats with me. The apartment my sisters and I are supposed to be moving to is owned by my parents and they refuse to let me bring my cats, regardless of my reasoning or begging.
2. I will have less frustration over irreconcilable differences with my sisters. I love them, but we each have little idiosyncracies that don't sit well with the others. They're small enough that it would seem silly to make a big deal of it, but after living with it for a while it builds up. You know?
3. I want to have a permanent place to hang my hat. Somewhere I can make cosy and really call my home. A place that I can make my own in my own style suited to the taste of my comforts.
4. I won't have to worry about rent, or moving out once the tenancy agreement is expired, or unnecessary wastage of electricity, or other things along those lines.
5. I can have as much alone time as I need.

There. That's sorted. Tomorrow, I break the news to dad because mum's away in Russia for a week or so. I've told no one in my family, so I hope my dad is as supportive as I need him to be.

I will/I won't

I felt the urge earlier to write a poem. That was a blast from the past. Haven't written anything in probably 4 years at least. Am I regressing? Am I wishing for a time long gone?

Probably, yes. I think I'm longing for a time when I was still bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, when I was still the 'ice queen', could keep myself protected in my little fortress of solitude and all was right with the world.

Now I find myself longing to tell people,

'No, I don't want to hang out with you because you will make me want things that I don't want, you will make me long for things that I don't want to long for, you will make me step outside my fortress and make me long for a life that will destroy me.

'I will schmooze when I need to, I will be the social butterfly when it is required of me, I will conform to that fit that people-shaped hole in your mind that you think I belong in when it is called for.

'I will be the cool aunt, the crazy cat lady, the girl with standards that were too high so she didn't get married, the woman who's too independent and couldn't find a man. I will do this for as long as it takes until I can carve my own little cave out of life and fill it with the love that I need. 

You have what you want of me. Let me be.

I don't want to love you

but I do

I don't want to need you

but I do

I don't want you to tell me when to be happy

but you do

I don't want to dread being without you

but I do

I don't want to hope for a future

but I do

I don't want you to

but you do

I don't want to love you

but I do

IF, Volume1

IF we're supposed to wipe with the left, why is toilet paper always on the right?