I'm Sorry, A Malaysian Habit

There are those who say that apologising is a sign of weakness, or an admission of wrongdoing. Some people contend that they should never apologise to their wife or their kids or their staff because that would indicate that they're less than all-knowing, all-powerful.

Malaysians have a different way to go about it. Malaysians have a habit of apologising for anything and everything that they've done. When bidding farewell to somebody, a common habit is to say, "Maaf, ya, kalau saya bersalah" (translation: "I'm sorry for any wrongdoings, perceived or otherwise. I did not mean it"). When going around wishing Selamat Hari Raya to one another, Malaysians follow up with "Maaf zahir dan batin" (translation: "I'm sorry, from my body and my soul"). This particular practice is not a Muslim practice, but a cultural practice. The result is that people are forgiven at least once a year for their sins and their wrongdoings to one another.

I noticed during my stint with Raleigh International that some were baffled by this habit. They ask, "What if you did mean it? What if you really don't like them?"

The answer is that it's not the point of whether you meant it or not, or whether you didn't like them. I feel that if, even if it's by custom, you are forced to apologise to someone, then you are telling yourself to let it go - that if this is the last time you ever see this person, then let the parting be in good faith. And just like that, you feel a burden lifted if it is with someone you've been feuding with. The underlying assumption of the custom is that even though you have fought, that the fight was not because you are bad people or that you wished them ill, but due to circumstance or a difference of personality.

Some Malaysians have said that the phrases have been so overused and it's become such a habit that nobody means it anymore. I've heard that some people tell others, "Don't say that. It is not meaningful." While I agree that you should not say it if you don't mean it, my personal experience has been that I grew up being taught to recite it to others like a lifeline at particular occassions, and while it was just a practice at one point in my life, it has become more than that to me.

Every year, I wake up and dress and go see my parents, where I bend to salam and kiss their hands and say, "Maaf zahir dan batin", and every year, though they don't see it, I tear a little bit. Every year, I make the rounds and do the same with colleagues, friends and relatives with the same feeling of goodwill and the same understanding that, as I say it, I mean it from the bottom of my heart, and we start again from a solid foundation. There's no such thing as, "I accept your apology but not for this particular fight or that issue". It's a complete wipeout.

This habit of Malaysians is one I feel that if the rest of the world adopted, people would be far more understanding of one another.

NB: This does not apply to people who have been banished from my life because they don't want to belong to it, clearly because they never apologised to me. Just saying.