Phelps: All-American Hero

From The Superficial: Michael Phelps: Olympic Stoner:

Olympic gold medalists Michael Phelps might have just smoked his way out of the 2012 Olympics after a photo of him hitting the bong surfaced in News of the World. It was taken in November when Michael stopped by the University of South Carolina at Columbia to visit a girl he was "secretly seeing." After presumably having his way with her, he showed up at a house party with a bunch of random chicks and drank his face off. USA!:

“He arrived with a group of girls hanging all over him. Jaws hit the floor when he walked in. You don’t get many celebrities in Columbia, so when Phelps comes to your party it’s a very big deal.

“He didn’t know many people so you’d think he’d be a little shy. But he was loud, obnoxious and slamming beers from the get-go. Every girl wanted a piece of him and every guy wanted to be his best buddy. He couldn’t get enough of all the attention.”

As he basked in his hero status, Phelps knocked back beers and shots of spirits. And when a student offered him the glass bong engraved with red writing, he did not hesitate, says our source.

Because he's an idiot, Michael Phelps admitted it's him in the picture and released the following statement to the AP today:

"I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment. I'm 23 years old and despite the successes I've had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again."

If Michael Phelps wants to pour alcohol into his face, smoke the marijuana like a cigarette and fornicate with various loose women before beating the world's pants off at swimming, shouldn't we as a nation stand behind him? I mean, Christ, if he was anymore American, he'd be out fighting crime with a talking bald eagle for a sidekick. But then how would other nations know we dominate at the breast stroke? You gotta think these things through.

I reckon The Superficial is right. How much more American can Phelps get? All that's missing is the sex video, and we all know that's only essential if you're a girl and totally optional for guys. Let's all confirm that, yes, that's the world's perception of what an American superstar is exactly like.