Maybe I'll Never Be

Maybe, I'll never be perfect. Maybe, I'll never be the person who says exactly what needs to be said at exactly the right time. Maybe, I'll never just be content with what there is at that moment. Maybe, I'll always expect too much from other people. Maybe, I'll never be okay enough for you, or open enough for you, or trusting enough for you. Maybe.

But I am me, and as much as I try to grow when life calls for it, I'm still just me. A little weird, a little funny, a little aloof, a lot guarded. I can't change that. I can't change me. This is me. Leave me be.

Why is the Illegal Status of Child Marriages a Secret?

A few weeks ago, a school teacher married a 14-year old girl (Source: The Star). Of course, the government and a female minister (heaven forbid it be a male minister) retaliated. More shockingly, earlier in the year, a man took an 11-year-old as his fourth wife (Source: The Star). The government promised to look into it (Source: The Star). And quite surprisingly, they actually did!

You know what the verdict was? It is this:

The marriage of an 11-year-old Muslim girl to a 41-year-old man has been ruled illegal in Malaysia. An Islamic court judge found the father of the child had had no intention of marrying her off, and that there were elements of threat and force involved.
(Source: BBC News)

You must be wondering what my damage is. Why am I getting uptight about this? Here's the thing.

The response from the Malaysian people was deplorable. The response from the government was from "the government". Nobody took ownership. The only one who did was a woman minister. Some have even come forward to support the marriage of the 14-year-old, and of course, it was a man (Source: The Malay Mail).

Malaysian men seem to not understand that girls at the age of 14 are just that: they're girls. When I was 14, I was young and impressionable, though I would never have admitted it. At that age, I wanted to impress people with how adult and mature I was, and I would have done plenty of things that I wouldn't do now to impress people. At the age of 14, you don't know when you're making a mistake.

When I was 14, I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. I'm 26 now, and I'm still trying to figure it out. I know people in their mid-30s who still don't know it yet. You think a 14-year-old knows what she wants?

By no means am I belittling her intelligence. She could be very smart and actually ready for this, but she sets a dangerous precedent for other girls her age who are easily talked into things like this. If her parents are not on their guard, if her dad reacts the way Muzli Mohd Din did, who will save her? The Shari'ah court? Hah!

Of course, everybody remembers the case of Bung Mokhtar and Zizie. How they married illegally, and all they had to do was pay RM1,000 (Source: The Star). That was all. A slap on the wrist for putting Bung Mokhtar's family through the shame of finding out that their dad is an ass through the public media.

Men in Malaysia will never stand up for the rights of women in marriage. Our good Minister of Women, Family and Community Development, while she tries, will never overstep her bounds as a Minister of UMNO first and foremost, and the protector of women's rights second.

The result is that men can marry illegally with impunity. Nevermind that by Syari'ah law, they need the permission of their first wives. My damage is that. Exactly that. That men can marry illegally, and when they're brought to the public, the public says, "well, it's his right". It's not his right. It's his privilege. It's a privilege that must be earned, by being wise and caring and fair.

What about his family? What about his kids? If you think you have the balls to have 2 women, then why don't you have the balls to tell your family and kids about it? Why don't they have enough respect for their family to tell them face-to-face instead of having the rest of the world talking about it behind their backs? Why let them find out from the media or from other people? Why hide it? Hiding it means they know it's wrong.

So, of course, the decision of the Syari'ah court wasn't published in Malaysian newspapers. I had to find out about it through BBC News, because Malaysians wouldn't really care about that. Would they?

Some days, the memories remember you

I don't think I think things through enough before I do or say things. I really should look at that in myself.

Most of the time you remember the memories. And just sometimes, some days, you can't control it and the memories remember you. Those memories for which you've worked so hard to say, "this is the past, and that coming up right there is the future".

The Flip Flop

I think, that at the end of it all, I can trace the source of my renewed inspiration to my cousin-in-law, who is up at 5am running a security corporation 6 days a week and studying for his master's degree during whatever remaining time he has left, all the while also being a dutiful husband and father. I thought, if he can get up every Monday and say, "Productive week!" (no, seriously, that's actually what he tweets/FBs/emails/BBM status'), then I can be just as positive.

I've been told that my tweets lately have been really depressing, and I can't say that I disagree. The fact is, though, that I've always been the type of person who vocalises my displeasure or stress, and Twitter provides me with such an easy outlet to vent that I do it all the time without thinking. Throw in the week from hell at work and all the tweets you'll get from me are about me bitching.

I haven't been that bad, though. It's been a tough couple of weeks due to a few things, but it's also been good. I've managed to expunge a few things from my life that I don't want around, and I didn't realise how much has been cleaned up that I can only hope will help me in the new year. It's easier now, and soon I'll hopefully be able to get things where I want them. But if they don't get there, that's okay, too.

In between those things, I've actually had some pretty good times, and in rounding up 2011, I think I need to remember those and hang on to them so that they're not clouded over by the bad experiences.

I've learned (again, it took a long 3 years to learn this) that I need to let things go and be more flexible. I've revived an old phrase for 2011 and I'm using it as my mantra: love, peace and empathy. I always could relate to Cobain.

2010 Round Up

Another year is coming to a close, and I will be spending it in what I hope will turn out to be a most spectacular way. Like a broken record, I'd like to say that this year was like totally ridiculous, and I'm just glad it's over. If I ever get around to printing that "I survived 2008" t-shirt, I'll have to amend that to "I survived 2008-2010".

I mean, is it just that those years were exceptional, or is adulthood really that hard? People around me seem to be happy and carefree. Is it just me? Am I expecting too much?

I do know that I've learned a lesson after 3 long years: Don't trust people so much that you end up being vulnerable. I ventured into the adult world with a certainty that people were inherently good and that if I gave them a chance, surely they would afford me the same respect. Needless to say, I got screwed over.

Now most of my time is spent being upset at the injustices and indignations that I and other people have to suffer, and I vowed to stand up for myself. Why? Because nice guys finish last. On the other hand, being happy go-lucky also means being jaded enough not to care. So either I finish last, or I'm jaded.

This is going around in circles. Let's just say that 2010 was a bitch. I don't expect much more from 2011, but at least I'll be prepared. And probably mostly jaded, so that'll help.